| Can I hate living here any more? |
[May. 22nd, 2006|09:41 pm] |
My mother told me today to take off the purple nailpolish from my toenails. (I got bored one night last week and painted my toenails purple.... they make me grin!) It pissed me off that she justified it by saying, "When you agreed to live here, you agreed to abide by certain rules. That's just not something we do here." What is it hurting?? I'm not drinking, I'm not using, I'm not engaging in other self-harmful addictive behaviours.... I have to do SOMETHING out of the ordinary to keep my entertained, come on! Oh, and starting next month (projected) I'll be paying rent. While I do agree that I should be repaying them in some way for allowing me to stay here, be it through money or manual labour, it gave me more incentive to move as soon as financially possible. I'm really considering leasing a one-bedroom down here in Peachtree City for six months or so, just because it's SOOO cheap.
I was thinking tonight at how less insightful my entries have been of late (that's when I write them, even), and attribute that to the fact that I'm back in therapy, so don't necessarily need an online blog to get out my thoughts or whatever. And yet, unfortunately, I'm also keeping my own personal journal less and less, which saddens me somewhat.
Good news! I've finished the questions in the NA workbook covering Step Two, and will soon begin looking at Step Three. On one hand, this is entirely familiar, since I did similar in rehab. On the other, this is entirely foreign, since I'm not doing it because people tell me I have to, but because I believe I need it to be sober and to heal. This is my life, and in it, my own choices for my behaviours determine the outcomes.
Focusing on the things I know I need to focus on, rather than chasing after the twenty-billion distractions that exist around me, is a good thing. And it gets easier, I think. |
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| Been a while, huh? |
[May. 19th, 2006|11:58 pm] |
I've been avoiding the internet lately. Or mostly the gay chat rooms, and places I've used to find sex. Because I'm trying something different. I've even.... nevermind, don't need that information here. But I did write an extensive blog update last week..... only to have Myspace fail me and lose the entire entry. Please, God, don't let it happen this time.....
Working lots, still. Mother's Day was INSANE. But I made a ton of money, woo! On Wednesday, I saw a famous celebrity tell his story at a meeting at 8111. Can't say who, cuz that'd be breaking anonymity, but I will say it was FABULOUS.
Therapy makes me cry. Which in turns make me feel better. Sooooooo yeah.
I know people want to hear what's going on (or do you?) but I'm tired and still need to iron two shirts for work tomorrow. So let's end this by saying I'm alive and well and living in Paris. .... Wait, that's not right at all. The Paris bit, at least. (Can anyone guess this allusion?) |
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| Nobody writes letters anymore |
[May. 3rd, 2006|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Blue (another B word!) | ] |
But I'm about to write a few. Or more accurately, one in particular. The letter "B!" Brought to you by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) beckaly, who bestowed it upon me.
This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why.
Let's start with....
Books-- my first drug of choice. When I was little, I read voraciously, they were an escape from the painful reality of my existance (no, really). Fantasy books in particular. Most kids got in trouble for doing really bad things; my parents didn't realize how lucky they were that the worst I ever did was lie about having a book in the bathroom with me (they didn't like it because I would spend literally hours in there). Over the past few years, though, I've fallen away from such endeavours (unfortunately). I'm working on getting back to it, though. I just remember having more time when I was younger....
Becki-- one of the VERY few people I've kept in contact with from high school, and the girl who gave me this assignment. You rock!
Buddha-- the Enlightened One. Enough said.
Bondage-- not the fun kinky kind. Or is it? Perhaps I'm referring to being a slave to something against your will. I feel that way in regards to many things in my life (damn addiction).
Bedouin-- the desert people of the upper Sahara. I lived in Egypt at the beginning of my teen years, and spent a little bit of time with them, particularly during one class trip to the Sinai. We spent a week camping on the beach of the Red Sea, then farther inland, where we hiked in the mountains. A group of Bedouins were our guides, they cooked us dinner one night, of goat. I was vegetarian that evening. My mother loves the Bedouin craftworks.
Bugaboo-- something imaginary that conjures up feelings of fear or anxiety. I feel as though I have several of these. Or perhaps not always imaginary, but existing only in my imagination at this point in time. (Could I be any more vague?)
Burlesque-- as in, a burlesque show. "Let me.... entertain you!" (Think Gypsy Rose Lee.) I wanna be a part of one!
Blind-- I'm legally blind! My contact lens prescription is that high. I've wondered recently whether physical ailments such as blindness or deafness have roots in spiritual maladies, i.e. does my nearsightedness relate to my psychological perception of my reality?
Bonsai-- a midget tree! Lol. Ok, I feel blasphemous.... I want a bonsai tree. I feel as though it might help bring me zen.... or rather, remind me to aspire to a more zen-like state of being? Serenity!
Buffy-- anyone of you know knows me should not have seen this one coming. Viva la Vampire Slayer!
Ok, so my willingness lately has been completely out the window. Last night and tonight, I tell my parents I'm going to a meeting here in Fayetteville, the NA meeting I've found.... and instead, I go to a coffeeshop and either do Step work or read. WTF? Oh, and I haven't been calling people, either. For some reason, I'm stuck in a limbo-status, unhappy with the current situation, yet not quite ready to do something about it. I'm wallowing.
My sister hurt my feelings yesterday, when I opened up a little bit to her and said how much I envy the fact that she has a relationship with some of her blood (another B word!) relatives. She responded by telling me that my birthparents were "druggees" and my birthmother in particular was "psycho." It hurt.
I managed to FINALLY get a tetanus booster on Tuesday! I now have no reasons to not return to school this fall (barring financial inability).
P.S. I've been having lots of problems "staying present" lately, as well. |
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| Weirdness |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Sneezy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | [Law and Order playing in the background] | ] |
Tonight at work, a couple started talking to me. It makes sense, considering I was their server, but..... she was celebrating her birthday (senior citizen), and he began engaging me in conversation, where am I from, what brought me here, what's my drive, my purpose in life. I was honest and told him my sobriety, that I'm in AA. Then he began asking me what keeps me sober (my reply: my Higher Power, God, whatever that is). They (primarily he) began preaching(?) to me about God, religion, who's right in the world, a little bit about Christ, and saying how much he and his wife admire me for my courage, what I've been through (I touched upon going to rehab for drug use), how loved I am, and that they'll pray for me. It was fucking WEIRD. She's coming back tomorrow to give me a book, How Good is Good Enough?
This combined with having a random discussion with a coworker at Starbucks the other evening about basically the same sort of issues - God, spirituality, religion, life - really makes me wonder if my HP is trying to tell me something. We'll see what happens. :) |
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| Bahg |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|10:02 am] |
I'd go back and erase that "g" but I'm too lazy.
Easter was nice, I bought a cherimoya fruit, whatever the hell that is. I've been uberhormonal lately, too, and wanting to jump (almost) any guy I see.
For more details, check out Myspace.
Work time. Bah(g)! |
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| Hrm |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|10:17 pm] |
My interest in blogging comes and goes, apparently. And when I have two blogs (yay for Myspace!), one tends to be neglected, I've noticed.
Still spending lots of time on the gay.com chat rooms. I can easily compare it to alcoholism: if I sign on, I don't know when I'm going to sign off (similar to, if I take a drink, I don't know when I'm going to stop). At least this is a healthier addiction? .....Maybe? I'm not actually meeting guys, so..... :-\
Also, does everyone else sit around when they're depressed and think, "Why does nobody love me? If somebody did, wouldn't they call me?" Maybe the next time I think that, I should call someone else, in case they're sitting around thinking that....
Oh, I cancelled on the mailman. He left a voicemail one night, saying he was interested, and that if I'm not, maybe I know someone in the area who might be. Poor guy, I feel bad for him. :(
And my gay manager, Avery, as well as another employee, has decided that of all the Sex and the City girls, I'm Charlotte. I don't know if I was insulted that they see me as such a goody-goody, or proud that I manage to portray that image. I don't really consider myself all that "good," you know? I've lied, cheated, stolen, hurt people, done lots of drugs, used people for sex, and all sorts of horrible things. (And.... a part of me is proud of that, too? Only when I'm in that "angry, hurtful child" mode, I think.)
This past week has been filled with lots of training for serving tables, and absolutely no meetings whatsoever. At the start of the week, I was trying to call people in the program to talk every night, but as it's progressed, I'm like..... eh. Not too good. I can definitely see how things would progress if I made my life more about work and the people there, rather than keep my sobriety in mind. And it doesn't end happily, I'll say that much. But on a bright note, I'm driving to Duluth on Monday and Tuesday for MORE training, this time to be "Certified Developer." Which means I get to teach the training classes and have people follow me and get all sorts of neat responsibilites. ..... Yeah, I'm terrified, honestly!
Everyone should try Starbuck's Green Ginger tea. It's FANTASTIC! |
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| Life may be scary, but it's only temporary...... |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|12:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Yeah, I'm still listening to - and singing - Avenue Q compulsively.
So I got a new gmail email account.... and the stupid website won't load on my computer anymore. Lord only knows why; at the bottom of the page, it says, "Done," while the text still says "Loading....." And it'll stay like that FOREVER. It's quite frustrating.
This past week has been HORRIBLE. Because I haven't been doing anything worthwhile, whatsoever. I've skipped out on meetings, I haven't called people, I've been "forgetting" to pray and meditate (I've started meditating! Got over my fear of doing it wrong and just did what I know).... and I've been sitting online a lot, chatting with guys on gay.com. My therapist mentioned that I may have been unconsciously punishing myself for letting myself get hurt in last week's session, and acting out that evening. Makes sense to me.
Oh, and my mailman asked me out on a date. I'm not all that attracted to him, but I said sure, only because he didn't really SAY the word date, just lunch. But I ended up backing out the night before.... he told me he's interested, and if I'm not, maybe I know some other guys down here who might be. Poor guy. :( Although it was kinda creepy that he remembers me from when I was in High School, and somehow found my phone number to call me.... :-\
I also find myself updating on myspace a lot more often than here. So if anyone's on there, check it out.
Random: I like tea. A lot. I've been drinking it a lot more than coffee recently. |
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| I'd like to learn to ice skate |
[Mar. 18th, 2006|10:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | [Sister watching The Cutting Edge 2] | ] |
Or something like that. But I'm afraid. Of getting hurt. It's funny how much that applies to my life, in so many areas. And yet, I'll intentionally hurt myself as a way to self-medicate (drugs, cutting, unsafe sex, etc). WTF?? This sounds like a good topic to explore in.... (da da daaaa!) therapy! Even though I can probably already figure out that it has to do with fear of taking risks and trying to improve somewhere, and being afraid of making mistakes. Sigh.
Short update: I spent Wednesday night in Atlanta with a trick. I didn't hate myself afterwards, probably because we had already hooked up before. I did not, however, really enjoy it as much as I would have say 3 months ago. And I knew going in that it was a mistake. But I've learned from it (yay, I let myself make a mistake!). Thursday, I went to several meetings, rescued my NA Basic Text from one of the Poster Hut boys (and found out that a friend of mine has likely been lying to me for the past couple of weeks about whether or not he's been using), spent time with some lovely recovery girls, met with my sponsor, and had a totally random conversation with a complete stranger about the state of the world, human versus ant society, and the self-extermination of civilized ("intelligent") species. What fun!
I've also been wondering lately if each species of animal believes that THEY'RE the most advanced, using a different set of values to determine what constitutes advancement. Humans, both as a species and as individuals, like to think that they're the best, that we're right and everyone else is wrong, and that what we believe collectively and individually is the "best" way to live. Do dogs think the same thing about themselves? Sure, one can argue that they're not capable of such thought, but.... how do we know? Without having the ability to communicate directly with dogs, we lack their perspective on life, and hence have no way of accurately defining their cognitive abilities.
One great quotation (stolen from lux_aurumque, and she stole that from the musical Into the Woods): .... Oh, if life were made of moments, even now and then a bad one, but if life were made of moments, then you'd never know you had one. |
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| Lord almighty..... |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|11:05 pm] |
I just read an entry -- and the comments following -- dated April 13, 2004. And it leaves me speechless. At myself, and the way I've acted over the years. At the cruelty of other people, and their harsh words aimed for destruction. I have to sigh.
Talked to Dixon tonight. Not much to say, except I hope there was closure. It felt like closure. He's not the most important thing to me - he can't be, not if I want to live - but it still hurt, remembering how much I thought he meant to me. I recognize that entire drama as trauma-related, but.... that doesn't make it any less painful.
I feel tired.
P.S. I have a new email address, and am trying to change from my aol account. Let me know if you want it. |
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| We live on Avenue Q! |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|09:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | [Avenue Q running though my head] | ] |
So I'm reminded, that "pink cloud" feeling that one has when one is first new to sobriety and the program? It's just gratitude, and we can get it back anytime we choose to be grateful. :)
On my way to tonight's meeting here in Fayette County, I called my sponsor and told him (on his voicemail, of course) that I was going to stay after and try to get someone's phone number, because I need to meet people down here. And lo and behold, my Higher Power gave me the opportunity to talk to a woman who needed help and was asking me questions, because she was a newcomer. Long story short, I got the phone numbers of two people who've been around a while, and a potential new sponsor! He's a big, straight, 7-foot, 200-pound black man who scares me. So I think this could be good for me, if I'm willing to work for what I want. :)
Meanwhile, I've created a new profile on gay.com and have started perusing the chat rooms. This is not good.
I washed my car over the weekend, for the first time in like a year. And this morning, what do I wake up to see? Lots and lots of little flower buds from a nearby tree COVERING my nice clean car. I just broke down laughing.
My mom is making me a jelly roll for my birthday tomorrow, instead of a "real" cake. I LOVED those things when I was a little boy. I remember one year for my birthday, I brought one in to my preschool -- I must have been four or five -- to share with my classmates, and they all kept calling it a cuppycake. I was LIVID! It hurt that they were making fun of something that was precious to me.... and I think that's something that should go onto my resentments list when I do a 4th step (with my new sponsor!).
Change is occuring, and I'm afraid. But it won't kill me, that I'm sure of. |
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| Of gods and men (Hi, Beth!) |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dar Williams - After All | ] |
An abusive "friend" of mine from HS has suddenly reappeared in my life, via MySpace. At first I thought this could be a good opportunity to accept and face my past, with a firm standing on my own power in the now. Another friend, however, who has experience in counseling people who have suffered from abusive relationships, pointed out how the bonds between the victim/abuser can twist the victim's reality and make them believe that the abuser really does love them and really is/was trying to help, thereby falling back into the same type of relationship. Lots of stuff about trauma bonds and insanity. Long story short, I don't think I'll attempt to confront and forgive this person anytime soon.
Meanwhile, my old coke dealer is struggling with thoughts of relapse. She got sober soon after I first did, and although has been smoking pot under "controlled circumstances," doesn't consider that a relapse (it's not her drug of choice). It saddens me that she's very closed off to the idea of going to a meeting, simply because she refuses to believe in a Power greater than herself. Hon, that's not a requirement for membership; Tradition 3 states that the only requirement is a desire to stop using. No one will force you to do anything. I hate feeling so powerless over other people, especially when I want so badly to help them.
I went swimming today, and it was a wonderful experience. Rather than starting off with, "I'm going to swim for this long, and do this many laps!" I just swam a lap or two, then rested, and stopped to be aware of how my body felt: where it hurt, where it felt stretched, how my lungs were taking in air, etc. Trying to get a feel for what this experience is like, so I can figure out what might work best for me to get the greatest benefit.
On another note, I hate recognizing opportunities to grow, learn, and walk through my fear, and then also recognizing that I'm making a conscious choice not to do so. Ahh, pray for willingness, and in time....
I need to study for a test I have tomorrow. In my new job at Macaroni Grill. Gotta learn the abbreviations for each item on the menu. This is the first job I've had where I've been trained properly, and with the amount of work that I have to do for it, I hope to keep it for some time!
Dar Williams is still monopolozing my discman. I find her music refreshing, and extremely insightful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jewel - Deep Water | ] |
I'm having big problems making little decisions right now. And it's uber-frustrating.
And by right now, I mean this exact moment.
I'm neurotic and wishy-washy, and have the emotional capacity of a three-year-old.
Eric is being nice to me again, and it's freaking me the fuck out. We haven't talked since last summer, when I apologized for resenting him for calling other people and not me when he needed support. (I had a tiny little crush on him at the time, of course.) I just want to stay home and mope, because I'm in a "I'm so alone, people keep me around because of the way I act and entertain, but nobody REALLY cares about me" mood.
I spent three hours with Becki today, just being a little Chatty Cathy. Every time we started on a subject, we'd end up twenty miles away two minutes later, off on any and every tangent possible. It was great. :)
I hate the fact that when I'm in an unfamiliar environment with people I don't fully know, I close up entirely and avoid contact. Be it 12 Step meetings, new job orientations, or whatever, I'll do what I think I need to do while I'm there (which is usually just shut up and listen), then immediately BOLT right after. Stupid fear of people.
And just for randomness: lions and tigers and bears, oh my! |
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| Blaaaaaaah |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|08:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Olympics on TV -- not watching, however | ] |
Two nights this week, I should have gone to a meeting. But instead, I went to see a movie with my father. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Firewall. The latter made me sad and very angry, as it was a good reminder of how selfish, greedy, and intentionally hurtful people can be. Humanity is a scourge upon the earth.
..... Well, not all of us. But sometimes it feels that way.
New therapist. I like him. Jamie Russell, gay man, used to date Dennis. (He's the very sweet guy in recovery I met, hooked up with, and tossed aside.... like I do. I hate myself because of it.) He reminds me of my counselor in rehab. I was rather afraid going in that I would "fall for him" and try to sexualize our relationship, because that's my pattern with men: confusing sex and intimacy. He said this could be an excellent opportunity to explore that and practice having a healthy relationship. Projecting feelings of unresolved conflict from my childhood onto an objective third party who can help and all that jazz. So I'm excited.
Oh, and new job, at Macaroni Grill here in Peachtree City. The commute to Smyrna for the Olive Garden is getting to be too much.
I've been eating WAY too much chocolate lately. No, really. My other coping mechanisms - sex, drugs, and drinking - are gone, so I have to self-medicate somehow, you know? On that topic, I've been really wanting to act out lately, as well. Caught myself checking out the guy at the urinal next to me last night--- while I was at work! Yikes!
I want a boy. But I NEED to work a better program. Maybe the latter will win out eventually. |
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| "We are not human beings; we are humans being." |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dar Williams - And a God Descended | ] |
The above quotation provided by one of my favourite people in the whole world (you know who you are). Another wonderful quotation I found yesterday: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
Every day now, I manage to find a little bit of joy in life itself, and I cling to that to keep on going.
Recently, however, I've found myself unwilling to take action. I should be calling at LEAST two people in the program every day, especially when I'm unable to go to a meeting. But I'm not. And I should be doing some other work on my program, either reading literature or looking at the questions in my 12 Step Workbook, but I'm not. Hell, even keeping regular hours (asleep by 1am and awake before noon) is posing to be a huge challenge for me! And I recognize that it's fear that's keeping me from doing these things that are good for me, because I'm not used to being good to myself; I'm trying to change my perception and behaviours, and it's human habit to be afraid of change. As long as I'm able to recognize that fear, however, then I'll be able to walk through it and learn more about myself and my reality. It's funny how fear keeps us from acting on so many things (procrastination!), and our ego keeps us from recognizing that as fear. Fear is just another human emotion, though, so it's not going to kill us; in fact, quite the opposite if we manage to overcome it.
Yeah, I overanalyze everything. Psychology major who?
It's also funny how our fears create obsessions. I have a HUGE fear of opening up to people and letting down my guard and actually making connections. That comes across in my obsession with the internet and ALWAYS being online (when I'm able to, at least; anyone remember in college, I'd constantly have AIM running, but with an away message?): it's a way of being connected, but without the vulnerability.
Hehe. Self-awareness is fun, and (hopefully) leads to self-actualization.
Ok, a poll: do you people want to continue to hear the foolish thoughts running through my insane mind (nono, I really am insane, by the definition, and I can tell you how, too!), or the things I do on a day-by-day basis?
Final comments: I've fallen in love with two songs by Dar Williams, Echoes and What Do You Hear in these Sounds?. Really, they (and she) are incredible. ( Read the lyrics, they rock! )
"Who invented roses?" I love that. :) |
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| People sadden me |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|01:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | An American Tail - There Are No Cats in America | ] |
I'm sure that if you live in Georgia, you've heard in the media about the recent death of UGA college freshman Lewis Rockwell Fish. His body was found in his dorm room on January 22nd, and the autopsy report stated he died from a combination of alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and possibly other drugs as well. Memorial services have been held in his name, articles have been all over the newspapers, and his memory "must live on." It's wonderful that so many people loved and cherished this boy (man? he was 19 years old!), but my heart goes out to those whose deaths go unnoticed: the black man who lies in the gutter in the streets of downtown; the prostitute who is collapsed on the bathroom floor of a by-the-hour motel; the gay club kid whose body breaks down on the dance floor from the Ecstacy, the crystal meth. Are their lives any less deserving of our compassion and sympathy than Fish's, simply because they are the downtrodden of society? They die alone, with no one to hear their pain, because who might be able to help are too busy with themselves to dirty their hands and reach out to a soul.
I've been feeling incredibly idealist and emotional lately, as I read current events and think about my own life. My gratitude for the 12 Step recovery program knows no bounds, and I'm so fortunate to still have opportunities to learn, to love, and to grow.
I've also been thinking WAY too much, about anything and everything. The impact that everyday heroes have on our lives, such as Martin Luther and Coretta Scott King, Anne Frank, Bill W, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk.... It's funny, when I was a kid, I never had any heroes, anybody I looked up at and said, "I want to be like him/her when I grow up!" I think it's important for every child to be able to do that. I've also been thinking about how everything is a system, the family, political states, and the individual, and if change is ever to occur, the desire for change must come from within, not an outside force. How in meditation, one focuses solely on the simplest act of breathing in order to clear one's mind and Listen: taking a breath is the first action we take for ourselves after birth, the first thing we do in order to live, during the time when we're most connected to the Spirit (I hesitate to use the word God here for some reason) of Life. Personal Reality is the juxtaposition of the body, mind, and spirit - physical, mental, emotional - and there needs to be a balance of the three working together and alone if we desire inner peace.
It also helps that I've been reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Philosophy, and re-reading one of my favourite books, Tuesdays with Morrie. As well as trying to get more in touch with current events. Reading is fun, it's exercise for the brain! :)
Ok, time to go earn money at the Olive Garden. Some people say it's insane for me to drive 45 minutes to an hour each way for this job. I'm starting to wonder the same.... but I'm not yet willing to resign my entire life to Peachtree City and find a job down here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|03:35 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Pained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Journey - Don't Stop Believin' | ] |
"In my life it's always been the harmless stuff that hurts the most. Whereas the thing so horrible you can't even imagine it is usually a lot easier than you think."
Reading people's comments on IMDB.com about the film Monster make me very sad for the lack of empathy in humanity. Yes, she killed a lot of people. But that doesn't make her a bad person; the anger and hatred she directed at everyone around her she only felt for herself. Unlike many serial killers, she didn't get off on killing her victims; she hated herself for doing so, but she hated hooking more than anything else, and was terrified of her lover leaving her, just like everybody else always had. So she did what she had to to survive.
I feel like I can relate so much to the character Aileen Wuornos and the pain she feels inside, her deep distrust and fear of the people with whom she comes in contact, her desperate desire to be loved, to feel special, and the shame that eats at her soul, telling her she doesn't deserve happiness.... the little things that people do for themselves every day without thinking might as well be impossible, while the actions that come so effortlessly make the world recoil in horror. It's easy to do monstrous things when you've learned to repress your feelings because facing them would mean the end of your world as you know it. We don't have as much free will as we'd like to think; events that happen to us, especially in childhood, shape the way we view our place in society, and force us to take actions that we don't want to take, but make us feel like we have no choice. She was doing the best she could with what she had given. Life as an addict, I think?
Or at least, for this addict, inside.
My dad helped me move some stuff home today. I almost cried in front of him, I felt so much shame, self-hatred and pity. I fucking hate having to do this, every few months, screw everything up and fall back to my parents. And that god-awful queen-sized bed..... I could so easily hate it. It's like every time my father and I move it into an apartment somewhere, it's me saying, "This time I got it, this time I can support myself, this time I'm moving forward." And then we move it back to their house, six or so months later, and the bed is laughing at me, mocking, saying, "You're a failure, look at yourself, you'll never really have your own life......"
I've hooked up with a different guy for the past three nights. And if I had had my way, it would have been pretty much every night for the past week and a half or so. I realize now how my sexual behaviour changes depending on my overall emotional state, how it's such a coping mechanism for anxiety and stress; when I lost my job at the Poster Hut, became nocturnal, and relapsed, I was getting more ass than I knew what to do with. A part of me still wants to be an escort, really really badly, but I know I can't, because it would kill me. Just like a part of me doesn't want to give up drinking or drugs. Survival.
Ok, back to watching the film. I just wanted to post the quotation because I found it incredibly.... accurate. |
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| Urge to self-medicate..... rising...... |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|07:58 pm] |
I had to take out my nose piercing!!! Olive Garden doesn't allow any facial piercings except for one in each ear, so I took them all out for training today. Got all of them back in when I got home except for the nose.... freaked out, drove to a piercing parlour, and even they couldn't get it back in. I'm so upset, I just want to cry..... thank God I have a box of chocolate Oreos that I can eat.
So yeah, I got to watch a bunch of cheesy films and fill out paperwork for Olive Garden today. I'm struggling to remain in the mindset of being a "part of something," and that this is my life that I'm living, to stay out of that addict way of thinking.
I'm tired now.
By the way, to all you SMHS people: does anyone remember a guy named Michael, last/nickname Fetter? It sounds SO familiar...... |
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| I pissed somebody off. |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|12:07 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dar Williams playing in my head..... | ] |
I don't remember the last time -- if ever -- that somebody told me to go fuck myself, and mean it in the harshest way possible. This guy was talking to me on Manhunt, I wasn't really interested, and when he wouldn't take the hint I finally told him I'm in recovery from drugs and sex, I go to meetings at Galano, etc. That's when he told me to fuck off. Oh, and to blow him. I explained that I'm sorry, I *used* to sleep around a lot, but it caused me to relapse on drugs and force me to admit an unmanageable lifestyle (complete with $330 phone bill from compulsively checking email on the site), and I know I really really need to cancel my account entirely, but I'm just not ready to do that yet, so I'm just browsing at this point, rather than actually making attempts to meet guys for sex, and I was sorry for leading him on. In response, he called me an asshole, and told me to go fuck myself.
*Shrug* It's his problem, not mine. I'm just rather amused that someone I don't even know now hates me. Is it progress that I'm not overly upset? Or just heartlessness? I suppose my excuse, however true it may be, does sound rather contrived and patronizing (in other words, complete and utter bullshit).
I spent four hours Saturday night/Sunday morning watching movies with some hot guy, who was also tweaked out on meth. We sat on opposite sides of the room, and the only physical contact was shaking hands when I got there. Pissed me the fuck off; who invites a guy over at 2:30 in the morning to NOT have sex?? I finally got home to sleep at 7:00 Sunday morning. Since then, I've been in SUCH a depressing funk..... sleeping tons, no sex drive at all, severe lack of energy, and eating everything in sight. Had some coffee tonight, though, and did some step work; that helped bring me back up to a minor degree of perkiness.
Oh, and I got the job at the Olive Garden here in Vinings. Unfortunately, since I'm also moving back to Peachtree City at the beginning of next week, it'll be one hell of a commute (eh, I've done it before, a few summers ago for the crappy-ass bookstore, so maybe this won't be horrific). And I told an old B/N coworker about it, too, when she texted me asking how I am. When I stopped off at Barnes/Noble this evening, the whole store already knew about my new employment. Good to know they're still talking about me, I suppose.....?
I really want some chocolate. I've been having the urge to spend money on CDs, books, DVDs, or food lately, as a means to self-medicate (plus, I have lots of gift certificates). But when I get to whatever store, I just browse for like an hour plus and end up buying nothing. Wtf, mate?
And I need to change my voicemail. Give me ideas (this is my controlling addict side coming through)! Nothing sexual, I think, however fun those are..... I used to have a haiku, that was mildly entertaining. |
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| Feelin' shameful |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|01:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I'm rarely listening to music when I update, honestly | ] |
So that other job I was looking into? Yeah, it was escorting. I was hoping to be a hooker. I figured, hey, with the amount that I sleep around anyway, why the hell not get paid for it? Since my relapse, however, I realized that maybe that wouldn't be what's best for me..... for that matter, using people for sex probably isn't all that healthy, either.
But anyway, pre-relapse, I was talking to this one escort about learning about the industry, and he said he'd love to tell me what he knows, he'd love to hang out sometime. Over the course of a week, we make attempts to get together, and he consistently flaked out on me without a word. I eventually gave up and wrote him off as a self-absorbed jerk. A few days after I got clean, however, he called me an apologized for never following through; I can't remember his exact words, but he said he would like to get together sometime. I, on the other hand, called him back and said no thank you, I was no longer interested in being an escort, and thanks but would rather not.
Yeah, now who's being a self-absorbed jerk?
I just sent him an email to apologize, since I don't have his phone number anymore (deleted it after the last call). I was looking at what I could get benefit from spending time with him, rather than getting to know a person; I was using him for my own gain, just like I use other people for my amusement and validation of self. And I'm sorry.
Along similar lines, I was sitting in the 10pm AA meeting last night, thinking about my behaviours and motives all last year (hell, and all my life!), and feeling extreme self-hatred, depression, and desire to self-mutilate. These are not good feelings to have...... Forgiveness! Gotta look forward, to what I'm willing to do and change about myself, not look back and cry over how I've acted! Everyone (well, mostly everyone) else has forgiven me, why can't I forgive myself?
Ok, this is where Step work comes in.
------------------------Edit------------------------------
So I'm a dork and just realized I do still have his phone number. Help!! Should I unsend the email and just call him to apologize? Or should I let the email go through and wait to hear from him? Or should I not unsend it, and then call tomorrow as well, just to see if he got it?
------------------------Edit------------------------------
So I can't unsend the email, because he's already read it. Guess this solves the problem, then, eh? I'm still going to call, however, because it's the right thing to do; when he wanted to apologize for his behaviour, he didn't do it by email. I owe him the same. |
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| A good lesson in powerlessness |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence, once again..... (what's up with this??) | ] |
The past two days, I've had two wonderful examples of God doing for me what I would not do for myself. Yesterday, I find myself on Manhunt (all the while saying, "I shouldn't be here, I should be doing something else.....") and a guy emails me. We start to chat, agree to meet up later on, he'll call me. I go drop off an application at the Olive Garden..... and end up staying almost 2 hours having an interview, personality profile test (170 questions!!), and a tour of the restaurant (and a 2nd interview this afternoon!). The guy called me while I was in there, I call him back when I'm finished, but by that time, I have to go to a meeting and we can't meet up!
Then today, I'm making plans to meet up with a guy, and he says he can't host because of his roommate, and I can't either because of mine (Kate's actually a very awesome person, now that I'm letting myself get to know her!), so maybe we'll meet up somewhere else, outside, in the car, he calls me and is all like, "Hey, I'd love to meet up, but I don't want to make you late for your interview." And I'm reminded of the unmanageability of my life when active in an addiction, so we say maybe we'll meet up when he gets back into town next week.
I don't want to act out. I know it cuts me off from myself and God (yeah, I believe in God now, ever since my relapse. What's the harm, if nothing else? And I'm finding a lot more serenity too), and isn't in my best interest. I'm either using someone else to make myself feel good, or letting myself be used; there's no intimacy, no emotions, no connection. And yet, I'm REALLY unable to stop myself, and it's so damned frustrating!! |
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